Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
i've created a new STD.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
