Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
