tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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