don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
