hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Houston, we have a squirter
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Randomize