i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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