I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
