i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
