I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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