obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
