I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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