I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I am available for nakedness
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
