no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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