I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize