i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
