we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
