onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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