Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
