I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm just crazy horny about you
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I could fuck to npr.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize