Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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