took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
