end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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