why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
