Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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