did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
