I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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