She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
