Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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