And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
