I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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