just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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