And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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