You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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