god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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