I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
