Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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