Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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