Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
