I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You have to summon your inner elephant
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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