I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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