i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize