New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
