Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
