I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize