clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
