Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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