When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize