Welp...herpes.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Randomize
