drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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