no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
