you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
