Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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