please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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