Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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