According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Sober January is a disaster.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
