so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
