We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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