I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
