you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
