this beer tastes like vomit already
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You made out with two different species that night
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
