I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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